I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
