I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
