I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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