I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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