The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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