It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
