I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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