Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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