you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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