I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
