He asked to "fluff my boner.."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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