so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
you had me at cake vodka
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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