dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
