i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
