dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
