is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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