i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
