Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize