What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
