I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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