hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
