nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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