You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
