I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
