tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
