you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
