Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
