wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
