i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
