Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
