My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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