A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
