everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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