i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
