it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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