She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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