I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
