Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
