my phone needs a breathalizer
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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