I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
