I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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