I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize