Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
