I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When did angry sex become our thing?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize