Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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