i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
