she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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