idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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