M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
