youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
