1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
