did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
