Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
