Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
