I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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